a crutch......a pleasant surprise

Getting My Foundation
Posted on 09/24/2011 by LeelaLosing


Hi, I'm a yo-yo dieter, mostly reformed binger-purger, forever foodie, and erratic exerciser. Yes, I have food issues. In the past two years I've lost 60 lbs on my own just eating healthy (reasonable portions, no restrictions) and exercising. Lately I've teetered between maintaining the loss and gaining/losing the same 7-10 lbs. Since I'm an emotional eater (or under-eater depending), the breaks in-between losing chunks of weight have helped my head catch up to my body and feel comfortable adjusting to the changes.

As a former vegan, then vegetarian, then pescatarian and now full-range eater again (although I usually turn my nose up at most chicken and fatty beef). I've gone through almost every food, diet and cleanse craze there is. Atkins, done it. Zone, done it. Scarsdale, done it. Nutrisystem, done it. 8-day fast, done it. Raw, done it. Soy-Sugar-Wheat-Dairy-Free, done it. Nutritionists, two or three. As someone who is fairly skeptical of marketing and advertising, and even most fashion trends, I have spent a lot of time letting other people decide what I should eat. The promises of quick fixes and food plans now make me run the other way. It's my way now and I'll figure it out, thank you.

The only instant gratification I believe in now is a massage, my bed and maybe dark chocolate.....there is no let-down, no rebound, no strings attached and for things that feel so good it's shocking that they are healthy. The fact that they claim to aid weight loss is honestly just icing on the cake.

In the elusive and convoluted meanderings of figuring out why I can't just follow a food plan and be done with it, I've discovered that like any substance or activity that can be used to excess and to numb or avoid your feelings, food is my drug of choice. Despite my enthusiastic search I've yet to discover a successful quick fix or instant cure. What I have learned is that it's very much an internal, inside job and often my biggest successes have no relationship to food or recipes or willpower.

I'm finding that it takes discipline, a realistic foundation and support to move forward. The healthy things that work in mind and body must be done over and over again until they take roots or as a routine. A workable plan must be figured out, from little things like a shopping list and finding time to work out and prepare meals, and for me I found if I try to do too much at once it ends in frustration, disappointment and another failed attempt. Support along the way helps enormously. A shared experience with others who have the same issues or are trying to achieve the same thing is monumental and makes some hard days end with a smile instead. Both the friends I've made at myfitnesspal.com and a twice-a-week workshop support group have been invaluable and kept me going.

And despite all the work I put into it, it's surprisingly and remarkably easy to let it all go. A few weeks ago I had a car stolen from my building along with my Blackberry and all of my information, plus a bunch of big-ticket items I had bought in the last weeks. You see, I tried to be very organized so I had all my appointments, log-in user names and passwords for everything, and contacts stored so I'd have it all in one easy place. The theft affected me more than I cared to admit, and I was really thrown off my game. Add to that all the phone calls and paperwork and time that is involved with reporting and figuring things out, replacing things and cancelling, changing and updating accounts and re-constructing my calendar in the midst of missing appointments left and right, and repopulated my phone, addresses and emails. It's still not over yet, and yes, I will make sure I have an efficient back-up plan after this.

I knew when it happened that I was rattled, scared and feeling violated. I also knew that I was scattered and more than a step behind due to the missing information on my Blackberry. What I didn't realize was how easy and unconsciously these feelings led me to stop taking care of myself and fall into my knee-jerk comfort of food. And soon the ever-ready excuses to myself started and the promises to stop it the next day. Feelings of depression and emotional/functional paralysis set in, and I was officially in deep water.

I completely stopped drinking almost all water, except in the smallest quantities. Coffee and wine consumption were up and breakfasts became sugar and pastry feasts. The difference this time was that I had already experienced life on the other side and enjoyed it. It wasn't just feeling better, but it was the realization that I set a standard in my mind about the importance of taking care of myself physically and emotionally and I knew it didn't look like this. I began to feel miserable with not just my body and energy level and all the other changes in my body that I felt, but almost more so I was tired of feeling stuck emotionally and keeping myself hostage with food. I eventually began to miss my huge glasses of water and the joy that the tastes of fresh fruit brought. I longed for a plate of greens like I sometimes do for an old boyfriend, hmmm, that was a really good time in my life I wish I could go back....and I knew my friend spinach was still around and wanting me too.

my 1st lightbulb moment

After months of putting my body through rigorous and exhausting exercise regimes my body finally gave up today! it said it was done with being punished.
It happened today right in the middle of the 2nd level of metamorphosis, i just collasped on the mat and sat there watching tracy doing the moves that i should be doing and with the body that i should have and it just hit me, that
1)this is NOT sustainable!
2)Perfection should NOT be a word because its almost impossible to attain and when you 'think' you have attained it, you spend the rest of your life driving yourself crazy just trying to maintain it! its like a freaking prison that we humans CHOOSE to go into!! like self mutilation or something.

I know what everyone will be thinking- she had it coming. Oh i definately did! and you know what? it's made me learn a lesson.
(light bulb point no. 3)
3) weightloss is not about punishing your body! its about loving your body as this really is the only one you've got.
Now dont get me wrong! i'm not giving up on my weight loss journey, i mean i have 30lbs still to go before i'm at a healthy bmi (talking about loving myself!)
I've just decided i need to change my ways: adjust my exercise regime to suit my body and my food habits to suit my lifestyle.
so here goes:
for the next 3 weeks......
1)i am giving up high impact aerobics! ek!!!!
2)My aerobics exercise will consist of only 40mins of power walking 4 times a week
3)i will tone only once a week and compliment that with yoga 2 times a week
4) i will eat small portions of healthy food 4 times a day
am i scared?!!! you bet your skinny bum i am! but its got to be done.
looking forward to the next 3 weeks and those numbers on the scales changing(in a good way ;-)

my comeback

ok so my last post was over a month ago, is it ok to use being a mum as my excuse? i suppose not but in my defence, my life has been crazy busy but in a great way!! Bj has started crawling/hopping around in a froggish manner and it's just the cutest thing ever. I'm returning to uni, i'm getting better at being organised 'i think' and my home business seems to be growing and in the last few weeks i've been around sooo many friends and family. Its all just been amazing
Now to the 'loosing weight bit'. Strictly speaking i'm still on my mission. i have fallen off the wagon ALOT but as the chinese proverb goes- You cant fail if you never quit! and so here i am. in the last few weeks or so i have set myself about 3 different challeneges, i have been on and off weight watchers, i've exercised like a crazy person and on MFP i set up an august challenge to lose a stone in a month, all very unrealistic but achieveable goals, i didnt meet any of these goals but i have lost 14lbs so far!!! so i think i'm doing ok.
With all these amazing experiences i have learnt sooo much along the way and have adjusted my weightloss goals as a result. i still want to lose 30lbs but i need to strecth it out over a long period of time, also i need this to be a life style and even though i love exercise(well i like the toning bit and the rush i get after a sweaty session in the gym or after a dance so that counts for loving exercise yes?) i need to understand portion control and have a positive attitude towards food, JUNK food in particular!
i am working on it all and i'm sooo looking forward to going back to uni but feel so guilty to be leaving bj twice a week! oh well, more on that later!! Date night tonight so need to get my pretty on. xxxx

soooo many blessings

When people talk about what they were like in high school/college, they very generally put themselves into one of two categories- geeks/nerds or popular/cool kids. (Its one of those little culture traits that started from the US)I was never either. I was waayyy too fat and 'introvert' with terribly embrassing parents to be a 'cool' kid but i was also not school smart or uniquely different enough to be classified as a 'nerd'. I was bang in the middle....extremely average, mediocre....wonderfully ordinary. And since high school, thats how i've carried on, so it will probably not come as a suprise when i say i had only one or two very close friends pretty much through my life and everyoneelse just sort of fleeted in and out periodically, whenever it suited and i was pleased for the company.
Now dont get me wrung, i wasnt a loner or anything like that, infact sometimes i loved my own company. I'm the girl who sometimes goes to the cinema on her own to watch a movie she loves(i still do that), or has lunch in the pub with a book as her companion or goes shopping by herself and comes home with nothing... in Wayne W's own words "You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with". I love my company but when i got pregnant and friends were few/scarce, i did worry for awhile that this will affect my unborn child, especially if he ended up an 'only' child. I was scared he would struggle socially, (i mean i didnt really have that problem as a child, as i am one of 6!)
Looking back now, i needn't have worried, as not only have i found him playmates and a 'potential' girlfriend(hard to say as she's blowing a bit hot and cold at the moment) But i think i've finally found my place in the world. I've found friends i can actually talk to and just 'be'myself with, i've found love, support and happiness in places i never even thought possible and for once in my life, i dont really have to rely on my inner strength to get me through things......
Counting all my blessings just now, i feel sooo in love with Jesus right now........or is it just gratitude???

road to self discovery

Its been brought to my attention that i'm a flake. Apparently i start a project with unrealistic/unsustainable enthusiasm which dies out really quickly so i never hang on to anything long enough. I tried to deny this but just looking back at my posts(didnt even have to look that far, yesterdays post was enough)i was faced with the ugly truth, it is true, i am a flake and .......yes....I have indeed fallen out of love with this healthy lifestyle, i've lost speed, momentum, drive.... whatever it is you call it, its gone and i'm left with an empty feeling in my stomach and an extra 41lbs i'm not sure what to do with.
But sometimes in life, you do things 'not because you will but because you must' so instead of just giving up like i 'usually' do, i've decided to presevere. i'm going to treat this diet and weight loss thing (in tracy anderson's word) like 'a job'(although God knows i havent done very well with those in my time) I'm going to turn up, 5 days a week at 6 am in the morning and i'm going to do an hour of exercise, i'm also going to log all my food calories in my food dairy every single day until i fall back in love with 'skinny'. This i solemnly swear.
Its just got to be done. And this time, really for the last time. So again, bring on tuesday!
Still on the subject of discovery, i discovered today that as far as babies are concerned, i'm a completely different person and i can take more than i thought i could! Never would i have thought that i'd hold a thread worm that came out of bj's bum and not flinch or be covered in baby poo and never give it a second thought, or look forward to pooey nappies and derive pleasure in cleaning the poo! i actually think myself a professional and take pride in the fact that i can do it under 30 secs without leaving any poo stains behind!
This life is really full of suprises and i've got to say, i'm loving most of them xxx

end of the weekend

It is safe to say i failed the weekend challenge. Friday evening came and i fell for temptation like a cheap hooker with no morals and less self control! it was horrible and i'm ashamed of it. What exactly was it that made me throw all my hardwork away you ask? It was yummy marble cake, not the crap one with cocoa powder, nope, the home made one with real melted belgian chocolate!!! I'm filled with guilt and shame as the weekend comes to an end especially since my sister phoned me and told me she is now exactly a whole stone ahead of me on the scales. Not a good day today, not a good day.
On the bright side, i did exercise at a high intensity the whole weekend and i'm hoping that should count for something right?, bj isnt struggling so hard with his teeting yet(touch wood) and church was amazing and inspiring today, so the weekend wasnt a total bust.
I've got exactly 3 days till weigh in and my goal was 3lbs weight loss, i think its save to say thats not going to happen, so heres hoping to a pound weight loss on thursday morning. I've also learnt the hard way that to make this a lifestyle and to actually reach my target of 9st, i need to pace myself. I looked at my dairy on MFP yesterday and realised i hadnt had a none exercise day for 20 days!!! and so it came as no suprise that last night my muscles and joints were so achy and my body was beyond exhausted that i just couldnt sleep. I spent the day today on the sofa napping instead of doing anything productive!
So come fridays, i'll make sure i have a rest day and also, definately no more baking at the weekend! scouts honour!!

Friday the 8th- weekend challenge

Its the weekend again! yay!! For some reason, i always struggle with my diet at the weekends. Theres just something about 2 and a half work free days(for hubby not me) that makes me want to just relax a little and stuff my face. Friday eves i make a nice supp and always think it should end with a nice home made pudd and sunday is the worst!! if i make roast then i just have to complement it with some marble cake or warm gooey chocolate brownies and vanilla icecream whilst we sit and catch up on some desperate housewives or scrubs. Since hubby doesnt really have a sweet tooth its safe to say i eat alomst all of it and come monday i'm filled with guilt, shame and alot of saturated fat!
But this weekend, all that is about to change(or so i hope) I've done quite well with my weighins in the last few weeks, consistently loosing 1.5-2lbs a week and i need to increase it or maintain it. On MFP a friend set up a challenge for the weekend: Give up one thing that always sabotages your diet at the weekends! i decided to give up baking.
So no baking this weekend. this decision does indeed make me very sad. Ooohh the price we pay to look fabulous!