My first day of spring

After having what feels like the longest winter ever, today, the sun seems to be peaking out and the temperature is rising....albeit slowly. That being said, i havent been able to warm up all day.... The last six months have been anything but boring and now i'm on the final stretch with 2nd year work before the holidays, i'm bogged down with so many commitments i cant seem to see the end of the tunnel. i realized yesterday that i'm now officially 12lbs heavier than i was last year November(i weighed my ligthest then: 145lbs), i've lost all control with my battle to eat healthy and i feel blue....perhaps thats the reason why i still feel cold. On the plus side,i cleaned out the oven yesterday, the aga is working again so the kitchen is nice and warm and i ran my 2nd 10k on the treadmill today. I beat my 1st 10k by only 2 secs but i needed that run. I'm not a runner, i almost hate running and i dont believe its great for exercise but say what you must, it is great for stress realease.....well especially if you own one at home. Because there was me, out on my own in our gym at 6am in the morning, gym door wide open,speed and incline cranked up until it hurt physically and screaming at the top of my lungs.....pretty sure if you saw someone doing that in a public gym, you would leave or ask for the person to be removed! That said, it really helped clear my head, calm me and prepare me for my first great health day. The last few months being on a bad diet has really affected me in ways i didnt think possible.It has almost damaged something in me i wasnt even aware existed. It really has taken its toll. All through my run, my thoughts moved from fat sarah, to sarah struggling to lose weight, to sarah at near goal and now to sarah in a lost place....I have no idea how i got here but i know i wont be in this crazy grey area for long. After this morning, i feel like i'm back on the weight loss train, literally. And quoting coach calorie: I'll be digging deeper than ever to find my inner strength and i will drown out all the white noise.....and eventually, dont worry, i'll warm up again.

The higher the mountain

There are those days in life when you feel on top of the world, like you just climbed the highest mountain and you can see everyone from the top......you feel like a super hero with soooo many powers, the most important one, the power to fly!.... Today is no such day for me. Today i feel like an ant, buried deep down at the root of the mountain. So deep down, it'll take many years and many firemen to rescue me.....and my ability to fly......if only. The worst thing of all is, this was/is my decision. I have within me, the power to make myself happy in this situation, I have the power to take control, i have the power to make a choice and yet again, i chose wrung. I let myself down, i took more away from me. I was reading a book today and a statement the author made stuck to my subconscious and its been eating away at me all day. She said- 'physical cravings ruin figures, people, relationships and lives'. I read that and my first thought was, well thats a little over dramatic.....but as i kept repeating it to myself i realised it's not dramatic at all, it is actually so true. Everytime i make a bad food decision, everytime i succumb to a physical food craving that i know i shouldnt, a very small part of me dies and in the last month i feel like i have lost a huge part of who i used to be.... of who i hope to be. Everytime i chose wrong, i'm taking a dream away from me. Hence the ant underneath the mountain metaphor, i've never felt so small but actually look so big! I make no excuses about my decisions today, except that this really is rock bottom for me, the only way from here is up. So i will start climbing again, i will keep going even if it kills me, and i will reach the top......... Physical cravings ruin lives........

Day 21 part two

just the motivation i needed today. want to hear from those who have LOST the weight and have already achieved the goals you never thought possible! Tell those that are in the middle of or just starting their journey.... Is there any unhealthy food/drink that replaces the feeling of fitting in those favorite pair of skinny jeans? Or seeing ab definition? Or your cellulite disappearing? For me, the answer is NO. NO yummy junk food or delicious drink can replace the confidence I feel now (compared to how I used to feel). I want this post to act as encouragement for those struggling to achieve their goals. ♥ If you are eating clean (not dieting) and you are eating enough throughout the day, it's not a matter of IF you achieve your goals...it's WHEN. Stay consistent. It took me 3-4 months of clean eating to see a BIG difference. That's when other people started noticing too. How long do you have to eat clean? As long as you want to look AWESOME! Diets are stupid. It's a LIFESTYLE. Today was a day of self rediscovery. I realized i'm a very anxious person. I was trying to get some uni work done and hubby was helping me out but it all felt so overwhelming, i began to fidget and was about to reach for an apple when i said to myself, what are you doing? Food WAS my crutch Was as it will never be again. Today i battled with that realization and it hit me just how hard this transformation is going to be but i know for a fact that it'll be worth it. On a totally different but connected topic, huuby's birthday is this saturday, again i'm anxious. I want to join in the festivities but this challenge is so important to me. I want to be the girl that doesnt panic when i wake up in the morning or when i leave my house because i'm worried i'll be tempted by food. I want to be the girl who's indifferent to food, who doesnt crave sugar, who is happy with and in herself. Anyway, day 1 done!!! 1 for sarah 0 for fatty fat fat!

Day 21

Here I am starting yet again. The last time i weighed myself (last night prebinge, i weighed in at 152.8lbs) My goal still remains 130lbs, but more importantly i want to get there the right way. Building the right habits and having the right attitude to food. It is common knowledge that it takes 21 days to form a habit and 3 days to break it, well, I've decided to take on the 21 day challenge starting today. I will be eating clean 61/2 days a week and having something alternative at the meal off if i so choose. David's birthday celebrations are this sat eve but i'm determined to kickstart this program before i wake up one day and find i cant walk, or worse i cant sleep without those breathing things morbidly obese people need to sleep. So let this journey begin again. Will be weighing myself EVERY saturday morning without fail and i have a feeling that this time, I will see it through!! and i'll be on the other side, the happy side, happy and finally free from my demons!!! I'm excited at the prospect!!! and all the potential!!!

Baby steps

To an extent, i think we are all creatures of habit. A part of us craves routines and finds comfort in the habits we create, good or bad. Yesterday was the 2nd day of my 'clean and healthy' program and i felt confident enough to make the yummiest (clean) home made granola ever! that threw my diet off a bit to some degree yesterday and again today. Strictly speaking i'm still eating clean but i have messed up the routine i started for myself which subconsciously created a little space in my head for old habits to rare their ugly heads. I found myself out of habit thinking about cookies and cakes and just caught myself before i purchased one! so its safe to say today was a struggle!It didnt help either that bj was sooo porrly and just wanted to sit and cuddle! made me think of comfort foods!!! Tomorrow i will be sticking to my healthy routine like my life depended on it(it kind of those) and hopefully tomorrow will be better...and the day after that and the day after that, until it becomes a part of me! fingerscrossed.

my Broken wings

Having spent the last 3 months trialing and erroring (if there ever was a word), I have come to a stand still. It almost seems like i'm starting over (no i havent put all the weight back on......well a little but i havent weighed myself....i'm still a size 10/12). I have tried sooooo many different diets, read so many books, tried to have 'good days' or perfect or clean foods days and have tried to work out for hours on end....how did i get on you ask? i've binged! i've binged like food was my crack! sugary foods mostly and i've picked up most of the bad habits i thought i had left behind for good!!! I think my only saving grace has been that i move alot. I love exercise, eat clean sometimes and lift weights but my binges are sooooo bad, they are disgraceful and this worries me as i've worked too freaking hard for all of it to go up in flames. I do want to reach my weight loss goal! i do want to say to myself 'girlfriend, you're skinny' ;-)I do want to be my dream weight (130lbs and a size 8) for conor's 2nd birthday. So here i am ..... again. afraid, confused, terrified, unsure ad ashamed! I'm sarah and i'm an overeater! there! i said it! but thats the last time i'm saying it and this is a promise to myself. I had my last sugared brownie today, I made my last excuse today and i've hit rock bottom for the last time today!!! I'm an overeater no more,my old bad food habits are in the past and i have a plan i'll stick to until i reach my goal and even beyond. My first step will be to weigh myself tomorrow. These are bad times for me diet and weight wise but i feel like i've grown and i'm stronger since i started this journey almost two years back. I just cant give up now, so i start again, broken wings and all but with a fire and determination in my heart that i believe will see me through!

Ending the first half

Its been over a year since i decided to start this weight loss journey 'for the last time'. Roughly 52lbs later i can look back and feel proud of myself. I feel like i'm in a better place mentally with my body than i ever was and because of that, my goal has moved very slowly from reducing the numbers on the scales and just being 'skinny' no matter what, to wanting to be the healthiest and fittest me, i can possibly be. I do still have 16lbs to lose and it'll be great to get rid of those last unwanted lbs but i feel like i ought to kick this habit properly and in the right way. With that in mind, i'm starting a 14 day health kickstart. I'll be swapping my wholemeal granary bread and peanut butter breakfast to a super healthy nutritious smoothie, my lunch will consist of whole yummy fresh veggie soups with a bit of unprocessed carbs and supper will be mainly vegetables with a bit of protein. I would love to have vegetables and fruits play a huge role in my 'food' life and want processed foods like flour etc to only be occasional visitors. A year ago, i would never have been able to do this or believe that it'll actually work but i've made so many positive changes in the last 12 months that i'm positive this can work. And i just need to keep thinking.....dont really concentrate on what you're giving up, look instead of all the gifts you'll be giving your body instead! My first day....here it goes....