my 1st lightbulb moment

After months of putting my body through rigorous and exhausting exercise regimes my body finally gave up today! it said it was done with being punished.
It happened today right in the middle of the 2nd level of metamorphosis, i just collasped on the mat and sat there watching tracy doing the moves that i should be doing and with the body that i should have and it just hit me, that
1)this is NOT sustainable!
2)Perfection should NOT be a word because its almost impossible to attain and when you 'think' you have attained it, you spend the rest of your life driving yourself crazy just trying to maintain it! its like a freaking prison that we humans CHOOSE to go into!! like self mutilation or something.

I know what everyone will be thinking- she had it coming. Oh i definately did! and you know what? it's made me learn a lesson.
(light bulb point no. 3)
3) weightloss is not about punishing your body! its about loving your body as this really is the only one you've got.
Now dont get me wrong! i'm not giving up on my weight loss journey, i mean i have 30lbs still to go before i'm at a healthy bmi (talking about loving myself!)
I've just decided i need to change my ways: adjust my exercise regime to suit my body and my food habits to suit my lifestyle.
so here goes:
for the next 3 weeks......
1)i am giving up high impact aerobics! ek!!!!
2)My aerobics exercise will consist of only 40mins of power walking 4 times a week
3)i will tone only once a week and compliment that with yoga 2 times a week
4) i will eat small portions of healthy food 4 times a day
am i scared?!!! you bet your skinny bum i am! but its got to be done.
looking forward to the next 3 weeks and those numbers on the scales changing(in a good way ;-)

my comeback

ok so my last post was over a month ago, is it ok to use being a mum as my excuse? i suppose not but in my defence, my life has been crazy busy but in a great way!! Bj has started crawling/hopping around in a froggish manner and it's just the cutest thing ever. I'm returning to uni, i'm getting better at being organised 'i think' and my home business seems to be growing and in the last few weeks i've been around sooo many friends and family. Its all just been amazing
Now to the 'loosing weight bit'. Strictly speaking i'm still on my mission. i have fallen off the wagon ALOT but as the chinese proverb goes- You cant fail if you never quit! and so here i am. in the last few weeks or so i have set myself about 3 different challeneges, i have been on and off weight watchers, i've exercised like a crazy person and on MFP i set up an august challenge to lose a stone in a month, all very unrealistic but achieveable goals, i didnt meet any of these goals but i have lost 14lbs so far!!! so i think i'm doing ok.
With all these amazing experiences i have learnt sooo much along the way and have adjusted my weightloss goals as a result. i still want to lose 30lbs but i need to strecth it out over a long period of time, also i need this to be a life style and even though i love exercise(well i like the toning bit and the rush i get after a sweaty session in the gym or after a dance so that counts for loving exercise yes?) i need to understand portion control and have a positive attitude towards food, JUNK food in particular!
i am working on it all and i'm sooo looking forward to going back to uni but feel so guilty to be leaving bj twice a week! oh well, more on that later!! Date night tonight so need to get my pretty on. xxxx

soooo many blessings

When people talk about what they were like in high school/college, they very generally put themselves into one of two categories- geeks/nerds or popular/cool kids. (Its one of those little culture traits that started from the US)I was never either. I was waayyy too fat and 'introvert' with terribly embrassing parents to be a 'cool' kid but i was also not school smart or uniquely different enough to be classified as a 'nerd'. I was bang in the middle....extremely average, mediocre....wonderfully ordinary. And since high school, thats how i've carried on, so it will probably not come as a suprise when i say i had only one or two very close friends pretty much through my life and everyoneelse just sort of fleeted in and out periodically, whenever it suited and i was pleased for the company.
Now dont get me wrung, i wasnt a loner or anything like that, infact sometimes i loved my own company. I'm the girl who sometimes goes to the cinema on her own to watch a movie she loves(i still do that), or has lunch in the pub with a book as her companion or goes shopping by herself and comes home with nothing... in Wayne W's own words "You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with". I love my company but when i got pregnant and friends were few/scarce, i did worry for awhile that this will affect my unborn child, especially if he ended up an 'only' child. I was scared he would struggle socially, (i mean i didnt really have that problem as a child, as i am one of 6!)
Looking back now, i needn't have worried, as not only have i found him playmates and a 'potential' girlfriend(hard to say as she's blowing a bit hot and cold at the moment) But i think i've finally found my place in the world. I've found friends i can actually talk to and just 'be'myself with, i've found love, support and happiness in places i never even thought possible and for once in my life, i dont really have to rely on my inner strength to get me through things......
Counting all my blessings just now, i feel sooo in love with Jesus right now........or is it just gratitude???

road to self discovery

Its been brought to my attention that i'm a flake. Apparently i start a project with unrealistic/unsustainable enthusiasm which dies out really quickly so i never hang on to anything long enough. I tried to deny this but just looking back at my posts(didnt even have to look that far, yesterdays post was enough)i was faced with the ugly truth, it is true, i am a flake and .......yes....I have indeed fallen out of love with this healthy lifestyle, i've lost speed, momentum, drive.... whatever it is you call it, its gone and i'm left with an empty feeling in my stomach and an extra 41lbs i'm not sure what to do with.
But sometimes in life, you do things 'not because you will but because you must' so instead of just giving up like i 'usually' do, i've decided to presevere. i'm going to treat this diet and weight loss thing (in tracy anderson's word) like 'a job'(although God knows i havent done very well with those in my time) I'm going to turn up, 5 days a week at 6 am in the morning and i'm going to do an hour of exercise, i'm also going to log all my food calories in my food dairy every single day until i fall back in love with 'skinny'. This i solemnly swear.
Its just got to be done. And this time, really for the last time. So again, bring on tuesday!
Still on the subject of discovery, i discovered today that as far as babies are concerned, i'm a completely different person and i can take more than i thought i could! Never would i have thought that i'd hold a thread worm that came out of bj's bum and not flinch or be covered in baby poo and never give it a second thought, or look forward to pooey nappies and derive pleasure in cleaning the poo! i actually think myself a professional and take pride in the fact that i can do it under 30 secs without leaving any poo stains behind!
This life is really full of suprises and i've got to say, i'm loving most of them xxx

end of the weekend

It is safe to say i failed the weekend challenge. Friday evening came and i fell for temptation like a cheap hooker with no morals and less self control! it was horrible and i'm ashamed of it. What exactly was it that made me throw all my hardwork away you ask? It was yummy marble cake, not the crap one with cocoa powder, nope, the home made one with real melted belgian chocolate!!! I'm filled with guilt and shame as the weekend comes to an end especially since my sister phoned me and told me she is now exactly a whole stone ahead of me on the scales. Not a good day today, not a good day.
On the bright side, i did exercise at a high intensity the whole weekend and i'm hoping that should count for something right?, bj isnt struggling so hard with his teeting yet(touch wood) and church was amazing and inspiring today, so the weekend wasnt a total bust.
I've got exactly 3 days till weigh in and my goal was 3lbs weight loss, i think its save to say thats not going to happen, so heres hoping to a pound weight loss on thursday morning. I've also learnt the hard way that to make this a lifestyle and to actually reach my target of 9st, i need to pace myself. I looked at my dairy on MFP yesterday and realised i hadnt had a none exercise day for 20 days!!! and so it came as no suprise that last night my muscles and joints were so achy and my body was beyond exhausted that i just couldnt sleep. I spent the day today on the sofa napping instead of doing anything productive!
So come fridays, i'll make sure i have a rest day and also, definately no more baking at the weekend! scouts honour!!

Friday the 8th- weekend challenge

Its the weekend again! yay!! For some reason, i always struggle with my diet at the weekends. Theres just something about 2 and a half work free days(for hubby not me) that makes me want to just relax a little and stuff my face. Friday eves i make a nice supp and always think it should end with a nice home made pudd and sunday is the worst!! if i make roast then i just have to complement it with some marble cake or warm gooey chocolate brownies and vanilla icecream whilst we sit and catch up on some desperate housewives or scrubs. Since hubby doesnt really have a sweet tooth its safe to say i eat alomst all of it and come monday i'm filled with guilt, shame and alot of saturated fat!
But this weekend, all that is about to change(or so i hope) I've done quite well with my weighins in the last few weeks, consistently loosing 1.5-2lbs a week and i need to increase it or maintain it. On MFP a friend set up a challenge for the weekend: Give up one thing that always sabotages your diet at the weekends! i decided to give up baking.
So no baking this weekend. this decision does indeed make me very sad. Ooohh the price we pay to look fabulous!

somewhere in between

It feels like ages since i last updated my diary. And it probably is, my excuse is..... no not bj but my fitness pal!! that website is soooo freaking addictive. It helps you lose weight for free and all everyone does on there is talk about weight which is just brill!!! it keeps my will power to have a lot less of me strong and on days when i want to obsesse, i just go on there and do it and there is no judgement! no, just lots and lots of encouragement! love it.
I've also been side tracked with life! alot of things have happened in the space of 2 weeks. The christening has been postponed, i joined a gym(just for the exercise classes) and i'm doing a lot more than i used to! ooohhh and bj has started weaning, using annabel karmal's book and he just loves all her yummy amazing recipes. More on the exercise classes, i only find the time to go to these classes in the evening after supps and when i get back home, all i want is a long nice bath and bed because in the morning it all starts again.
i've still got my weight loss goal but i've tweaked it a bit! since i turn 23 on the 23rd of july i figured it is worth working out for and losing a few lbs especially as i'm getting all made up and going on a girly night out on the 30th to celebrate the event. So i'm hoping to lose 10lbs plus the 6lbs i've already lost and wear a fabulous size 10 dress that eve!!! oh dear!! heres to hoping xxxx

count down day 22

In the last few days, life seems to have gotten in the way of soooo many things and i just simply refused to make time to log my progress etc and since my hormones have balanced themselves out,i havent been in much need for an outlet for my emotions. That said i have stuck to my exercise and dieting regime and in doing this, i made a friend. My fitness pal. This website is the facebook for fitness addicts, its soo american i love it. I've fallen in love with the apps, the exercise tracker and the food log book. It has everthing and more. There is a great support system of fat people turned skinny and people who are on a similar journey just waiting to share their stories, tips and strategies to battle weight. These people are motivating and most of the life stories on this website are both humbling and inspiring. For the first time in my life i geuniely believe that i can reach the goal weight i dreamed of since i wore my first ever training bra which i grew out of in weeks(and its been down hill from there, literally!!).
The best thing about this site is that it is free!!! i'm so addicted to it, i'm constantly logging in and reporting daily calories and reading peoples success stories! its sooo much fun but it feels bit naughty as you can see what people eat and how they workout day to day.
As of today i've only lost 2lbs but i'm so pumped with new determination that at the moment it's not about the weight loss but clocking in exercise calories everyday and eating within my calorie target for the day. I'm like a completely different person since finding my fitness pal.
love it!

Count down day 27

We had to spend all day indoors today because of the terrible weather. There's something about wet, gloomy days that just puts a downer on everything and i tried to use that as an excuse not to exercise. But after spending a few hours indoors with no fresh air, i'd had enough and popped out to the gym. It was soooo amazing, my mood changed completely, so much so that i stayed in there and did an extra half hour of toning! and that good mood has lasted the whole day!
Also i decided to have a rrreeeally lazy day and since i couldnt go to church, i had ALOT of time on my hand so spent it between reading fitness threads on netmums and driving bj and hubby insane. Whilst reading the threads on netmums, it struck me just how many mums struggle with weight after pregnancy and the truth is for the average mum next door, your body is NEVER the same again and apart from some really lucky women with amazing genes(NOTE: WE SHOULDNT ENVY THESE WOMEN, WE SHOULD THROW STONES AT THEM.....ON THE STREETS!!:-)) the rest of us have to work painfully hard at trying to look yummy. Its harder if you have more than one child, a single parent and or going through some sort of trauma.
It also suprised me how common emotional eating is. Lots of mums, me included eat out of boredom, when happy, tired etc. I think the only time i cant emotional eat is when i'm anxious, worried or terribly sad.
This weightloss thing is such a BIATCH. i sometimes wish it wasnt that big a deal but it is human nature to want what seems a bit unachievable, just a bit out of reach, that kind of is what success is all about isnt it?
because when i'm 8st 10 (and i will be!!!)and looking fabulous, i will also get that sense of achievment and i can brag about just how much work it was and feed on the admiration i get from people who will congratulate me on my 'hard' journey. and there will be people, even if i have to pay them!!
oh yeah baby! only 27 days to go.

count down day 30!!

Is it weird to comb the hair of your almost 17 week old baby?!!! Bj has such adorable hair, if i may say so myself and he has lots of it!!! The texture is quite fine like his dads but very curly, it is adorable and i could eat it and would eat it but think i could go to jail for that. The problem with his hair is that it now glues together. The curls sort of just tangle terribly and attach to each other and if it isnt combed through to seperate it, it glues. In the begining i just cut the bits that glued together but as his grown older and has produced more of it, its either cut it all off or comb it!! and i dont have the heart to cut it, plus his dad wont let me(he thinks its the source of all bjs powers like samson in the bible??!!! hubby isnt even a christain!!!) but i went down to the village with him today and an old lady asked me if i combed his hair, i said yes and she made a face and walked right on by........
ok my weight loss today = nothing. still 12st 9lbs but not disappointed, my body is just understanding what it feels like to be that light but i'm positive in a day or two, i'll be 12st 8!!!! having said that, i did make a pear sponge today ;-(. i've been craving it for ages and when the shop was delivered today, i used the fresh pears to make it and it was scrummy!!!!! so scrummy i had 2 squares hehehe. In my defence its been a manic day today. I've been up since 5am, did ALOT of house work, went to a mums group, squeezed in 30 mins of tracy's cardio(which by the way i'm taking another break from as my knee hasnt completely healed and is getting in the way of what could potentially be THE greatest workout of my life and the key to looking like kate moss) gave bj a bath, made supper and just ate it!!! i'm EXHAUSTED but i hope i lost enough calories to make those pear sponges disappear! we shall see at the weigh in tomorrow mwhahahahahahahaha

Count down to christening

In the last couple of days my emotions have been on a bit of a roller coaster and i've had this overwhelming feeling of failure. Its definately all me as hubby has been as stable as ever and bj bless his heart has been on top form. Full of smiles and giggles, sleeping well, talking loads and just being perfect....I cant quite put my finger on what exactly the problem was so i concluded that perhaps i might be coming on my period??!!and when i feel like that i find it hard to express myself so i start writing, get confused and stop. The cloud has passed now i feel very much in control of my emotions again.
My weight loss is progressing, i'm 12st 9lbs now and very pleased with the progress, however i have gone back on weight watchers(dont judge me too harshly) and i'm combining that with my glamour diet. I never stopped exercising as its become some kind of a release for me, although the funnist thing happened today. As you know, i gave tracy's cardio a bit of a break last week and did vicky binns dvd, went running twice(5k) and using the gym. I attempted doing a bit of tracy today and i'm ashamed to say i only lasted 20mins before i crumpled to the floor like a block of melted lard!!! in embarrassment i forced myself to do most of her post pergnancy tonning dvd and would have carried on if bj hadnt interrupted me!
On a completely different note, Bj got his first library card today and borrowed his first 20 baby books today!!! and 30 days from tomorrow, bj will be christened. I'm a proud mama! he is my pride and joy and in a weird way, my best friend. I know its odd but i havent spent this much time with anyone in my life!! we spend soooo much time together that i think yes he does know me. I forget he's but a baby and i chat to him for hours and whether he understands me or not he makes noises back and tries to pull my hair or eat my face(which i'm sure is his way of showing affection).
Still on the topic of the christening, i've got a dear friend to take photos of it all, this will be the first time i will pose in front of the camera post baby so i have to look fabulous!!
Bearing that in mind, i'm starting yet another bootcamp for 30 days starting tommorow and this one, i will complete!! I want to lose 10lbs by the 8th of july and tone up like crazy. Of course i will be gyming 5-6 days a week and eat healthier removing my binge day!! i know it is a crash diet but i think it is a nice realistic target and i'm quite sure i can do it! xxxx

2nd day off

how do you know you enjoy doing something? when you do it on your day off. Following the advice of someone who knows alot about exercise, i decided i would only gym 5 days a week taking 2 days off. I had a day off on wed and today was supposed to be my 2nd day off and binge day when i get to eat anything i want. I had my lovely brownies but i still ended up exercising.
Thing is, not trying to brag as i have only lost 3 lbs more but i'm actually enjoying the variety. On thursday i walked into the gym and ran the furthest i have yet, even pre pregnancy i hadnt run that far. I ran the whole 5 k and loved it. On friday danced to vicky binns dvd doing every section even the toning. Today i started tracy's post pregnancy workout and just couldnt stop as it was so addictive. And when i was done i got out my good old minsitry of sounds pump it up 2011 and enjoyed the tunes. Am i becoming an exercise junkie?!! i bloody well hope so!! It would be an absolute dream come true hehe.
Also the strangest thing is i get more of a thrill when i set myself a fitness target and meet it than i do with weighing myself. Its such a reward knowing i can do things i could only dream about, i mean dont get me wrung i could never climb mount everest or run the marathon but i remember 10 weeks ago today when i attempted doing tracy's post pregnancy workout and turned the tv off half way through in embrassement and fustration. But today i did every single section and i enjoyed the pain!! i've still got the sagging skin in my mid section but give me a month and a half on this dvd and i'm sure it will disappear completely!!!
I know i havent got a great track record of sticking to things eg tracy's 30 day boot camp or the prefect design series but i intend to do this post pregnancy dvd 5 days a week(+ my beloved cardio of course) for 2 months starting tomorrow!!!
Reading this i bet you're thinking omg she must be crazy fit now and skinny, sorry to disappoint but i'm not, I'm still as flabby and large as ever, My goal is still soooo far away but i am fitter and i can just about fit into all my prepregnancy clothes. Nonetheless i really dont want to fall into the 'early reward' trap and the only way i think i can avoid that is to keep setting targets for myself. so let the weightloss journey continue xxxx

Wednesday

First official day off from exercise without any guilt!!! woohoo!!
I had such a lovely day today, instead of obssessing about weight loss, i got up really early, got a bit of house work done, got dressed and spent the day with friends. It was amazing. It was just so nice to sit and have a chat about anything and everything apart from weight loss, poop, vomit and sleep. I was just sarah today, not fat sarah, not wife sarah, not mummy sarah, just me! i enjoyed the lovely weather, whilst bj made a new friend(not sure if it was really friendship as he seemed a bit scared- bj seems to be scared of girls his age, this worries me a bit)
then went for a long hour walk with hubby and bj, made a lovely supper when we got home and.....i got more house work done!!! me!!! i'm soooo proud of myself plus i managed to stay well within my kcal target for the day without even thinking about it.
The day has ended and i am exhausted but very content! even though i havent 'exercised' i've got soo much done and i got to take a break from everything which just makes me appreciate all the great things in life more!

still going strong

An up to date itunes= a bad arse workout!!
Yes i have lost track of the tracy anderson bootcamp but no, i havent given up losing weight. Infact my weight loss to date is- 21lbs. Lost the last 3lbs in the last few days. This for me proves that variety is the spice of life. In order for me not to get bored and spare my joints all the different kinds of pain, i am mixing up my routines. I moved my workout to the gym for the last four days and used the crosstrainer and stepper as i was trying to give my knees a break, and what do you know?!! i'm still losing weight. I've worked at a very high intensity(not stopping until i was properly soaked in sweat) but for only half an hour at the gym. But i must say i'm still battling through the prefect design series(after pregnancy toning is mandatory!!!! cause lets face it, saggy and skinny aint better than fat and bulging)
I've also mixed up my diet a bit. As i said in my last blog, i've joined the glamour diet only consumer 1400kcal 6 days a week. I get a day off on saturday where i get to splurge(yummy chocolate brownies) and then back on track on the sunday!!! I love this new diet/life style. Its so much fun, it motivates me to stick to disgusting salads and tiny pieces of toast every day and i get a nice break at the weekend. I also get a sliver star for the 1st 7lbs i lose!!! if thats not motivation, then i dont know what is!!!
i've still got 35lbs to lose and by the glamour diet estimate, i wont reach that goal until the 1st of october but i'm really optimistic and i'm having so much fun with it. I really think i've found my new 'way of life'!!! bring on october i say!!!

B.C day ???

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.

Lance Armstrong
My take- Pain is only temporary, but a beach body will last FOREVER

I know its shallow but today, Today i'm in need of motivation. I'm in desperate need of a pick me up. Did really well with my diet and exercise yesterday. Exercised for 80 mins and ate fairly well but i've had a bad day today even though i've exercised.I'm extremely tired and sluggish. Also i just realised i must reduce my peanutbutter intake to once a day :30g with a piece of toast!!! and i'm not happy.
So today i need to remember why i'm doing this, i need to persever and i need to start afresh tomorrow with a positive attitude because deep down, really deep down, theres a fabulous, skinny, gorgeous and extremely bitchy girl just waiting to burst out, and trust me the world will want to meet her!!!
well if not the world, i would love to meet her!
ps- have also joined glamour diets, its fun and crazy and wayyyy cheaper than weightwatchers!! lets restart this big fat weight loss program!! xxx

A Good Day!

Ok so perhaps i was a bit too harsh on Ms Tracy. Finished reading her book and realised she is human after all. She encourages an hour and a half for fast results but says an hour or half an hour of cardio will do just fine if you havent got the time. This makes me happy.
I guess i was just having a horrible day yesterday!
So back on the wagon again except this time, not so hard on myself. My Achilles tendon is a bit sore so no jumping for me tomorrow but this wont get me down, no sir it wont. Instead i'll power work on the treadmill for half an hour or use the cross trainer and then do the muscular structure work. My target: an hour of cardio + toning 5 days a week and on bad days, just half an hour.
I'm liking this new me and i'm feeling motivated all over again.
Also today an amazing thing happened!!!! i've been craving a slice of marble cake for 3 days now and today i finally gave up the fight and i baked it, had a slice and you know what?!! i felt ill!!!! Cake makes me ill!!! yay!!! I couldnt believe it.
My biggest temptation makes me feel sick. I only hope its not temporary!
Did no exercise today except go on a walk with hubby and little bj for an hour but it felt really good.
So all in all, it was a good day today. Looking forward to tomorrow.

one cloudy day

If you look outside right now, at what the weather is like- forceful wind, doom and gloom with a promise of rain- Its exactly how i feel inside. I feel like i have reached breaking point and so soon in my journey, it is not good news. I feel like i have set myself unrealistic targets and so i'm not satisfied with any progress if it isnt extraordinary.
I woke up today and i felt like i'd just been hit by a ton of bricks, mostly because i weighed myself and i had lost nothing. i refused to go out, i refused to do anything but my cardio and bless bj if it werent for him, i think i would have just sobbed the day away. He was wonderful today, making silly faces and loud gurgly noises i'd never heard before and making mummy laugh...so grateful to the little minx.
But it made me question myself- why am i doing this? have i lost sight of my goal? I need to get a little prespective.
Today, right now, this very minute, i consider myself the luckiest girl on earth. I feel like all my dreams have come through. I have an amazing hubby who would support me through anything, i had an easy pregnancy, an easy birth, a healthy child who makes my world just the most amazing place and i have so many choices, i can run a business i'm so passionate about or go back to uni and carry on with a course that interests me. I have everything i've always wanted but why arent i as happy as i should be or can be? why arent i content? Why is there always something?
I want to lose weight to be a better me, i want to be happy in my skin and i want to add that to the happiness and goodness in my life not takeaway??, i dont want my journey to 'perfection' to affect the happiness i have already, i want it to complement it and i must always remember that.
On that note i'm mixing up my routine (again dont judge me too harshly) 'm going to try one of my old aerobics dvds, just to spice things up a bit and to keep me from quitting. This journey for me is about what works and i used to enjoy a workout so much but since trying to stick to tracys i've struggled because well my life has changed. I need to readjust.
I'm not a quitter and i refuse to lose the battle of the bulge, i'd rather stray a bit from tracy (even though i love her) than give up exercise completely. So here goes nothing! xxxx

B. C Day 2- Fat times :-(

Bj wiggled off his play chair today for the first time!!!! it was so weired, i put him in his chair whilst i popped to the kitchen to get a drink, came back and he was on the floor giggling!!! Big step for him!! I'm a proud mama ;-)
On a completely different note, Today was the worse day in exercise history! (in my life that is). I woke up feeling ill. It's pretty much the same kind of flu like feeling you get when you're milks coming in for the first time but worse. I'm sore all over, tired and my body just wont do what i tell it, so i decided to quit as i thought it just wasnt worth it!!!But then i read a bit in the book were tracy says this feeling is normal???? and it goes away after day two and it gets better so i decided to persever.
I did 20 mins of cardio(dont judge me too harshly)and 30 mins of muscular structuring and also went for an hour walk all the while just feeling tired. So glad bj was in good form, didnt fight the routine and loved going on a walk as not sure if i had the will power to do all the things gina ford says too if the routine doesnt work. I just about got all of that done, didnt do the laundry, ironing, lunch, or bother to clean any room in the house, just didnt have the energy, i bet you pity the sucker that is my husband eh?.
But i did lose 3/4lbs today so some reward for all the hard work. I hope i feel better tomorrow as i have wayyyy tooo much to do and cant afford another lazy day :-(. These really are fat timessss

Boot camp DAY 1

Today, Tracy anderson kicked my arse!!! LITERALLY!!! I'm hurting in places i didnt know existed until now!!! just excurciating pain. Just after fininshing the series, i thought about how sick my relationship to this method is. Whilst doing it, i was filled with self loathing, (especially doing the half plank) it was so hard but i couldnt stop. It was like i wanted more but i felt like a failure for not being able to push myself as hard as i could. sick, right? Its like a freaking addiction!
Reading her book, she says you must treat the 30 days like a job, you need to do 90mins of exercise a day and you mustn't let yourself get distracted by your kids????? what?!!! even with gina ford and all her miracles, there is just no way on earth i can find 90 mins for a 'workout' EVERYDAY!!! PLUS how can i ignore my 13 week old baby screaming in the next room for 90 mins? not only does that make me insane, i think it's illegal!!!! in so many countries and i'm not as fortunate as Gwyneth Paltrow, I can NOT afford help.
Having said all of that and even cursed the book and the picture of tracy in front looking fabulous, I still want to do the bootcamp, I still NEED to do it. Its like my Achills heel or something, oooohhh no, its my EVEREST. So i cut out all the warm ups and cool downs(who needs to be warm before exercise anyway? and walking to get bj from his crib is cool down enough for me thank you very much!), which is like 20 mins in all and exercised for 65mins!!! genius? I think so!!!!
But that just means, i had to wake up extra early to get all my chores done and now i'm absoluetly shattered, in pain and cant keep my eyes open. I guess fabulousity and perfection come with a price.
On a completely different but connected note, the marks and spencer sport bra department hate big boobs and wants to destroy them!!! either that or their testers are men. I had to change my sports bra 3 times!!!! it was horrible. They shouldnt be called sports bras, just bras.
Sorry in such an irritable mood today, perhaps its the lack of food and the exhaustion of 65mins exercise. BUT I am proud of myself for sticking or finding a way round Ms tracy's demands. and since last sat, i've lost 4lbs!!! i am beyond happy!!!! let the good times roll!!! xxxxxx

The perfect design

A little prayer of thanks to the heavens for the woman that is Gina Ford. Forget 'supernanny', Ms Ford is the baby whisperer. Due to her amazing routines i have now been able to get 3 WHOLE HOURS to myself everyday~!!!! which means i now get all the housework done, prepare supper, do THE METHOD in the day and go for an hour walk with bj and hubby everyday!!!! She's amazing.
Having said that, i didnt do any part of THE METHOD today, i had a break BUT i went for an hour walk and my diet was great so that should count for something right?
oh and even bigger news, the 30 day method came in the post today, yes i know, i'm drunk on tracy anderson and i'm proud.
Having now acquired all her dvds but one, i have decided to create a workout for myself doing all her stuff and constantly challenging my body but i cant do the diet. I just wont survive on less than 1000kcal a day( i have a son, a husband and a house to run!!!) so i'll create a new diet based on hers but with 15ookcal!
Using THINspiration from shannon, i've created a 30 day timetable with rest days, i'm going to start with her cardio and perfect design 1 for 10 days, then switch to perfect design two for 10 days and then upgrade to design 3 for the last 10 days and then upgrade to the 90 days meta, I'm soooo excited and filled with hope!!! (perhaps kate moss's body may not just be a dream ha!)
So hoping 4 months from now, i will be the prefect design!!!! Heres to tracy! Perfection and to Gina Ford! xxxxx

......result....

The 90 day metamorphosis came in the post today and to summarise it in one word- AWESOME!!!! I could literally feel my body changing and all the fat melting away as i sat there watching it. Tracy Anderson is the Einstein of fitness. I wasn't just impressed by her body but all the different series were just amazing and challenging. Definately aimed to kick my arse! I cant wait to start it!
But as much as i would love to start it right away, I 've been told i'd have to give up 'jumpy' type cardio as i had an accident today. 3 mins to the end of my workout my right leg just like died and i crumbled to the floor but i still managed to finish the cardio!! haha! if thats not determination, i dont know what is. But it turns out i've done the ligaments in my right knee, i cant put any weight on it for awhile so i've been hopping around like a freaking hobo.
Never fear i still managed to do the mat workout and i'm hoping tomorrow i feel well enough to do half an hour power walk and the mat workout, i guess overweight and jumping just dont go :-).

extraordinary tuesday

(Just a quick update as i'm way past my bed time)
The fitness god mother herself is calling on all metamophosised women to come forward and be a part of her website!!! its on facebook, twitter, everywhere!!!!
This bit of news is very bitter sweet for me because its something i have dreams about but unfortunately i cant be a part of as in Tracy Anderson terms i'm probably 4st over the mark and my tummy still jiggles!! if only this oppurtunity could have come 90days from now!
Oh well, she's still my THINspiration ;-). And progress!!! i was able to run 4.5K in 30 mins today at 6am this morning!!(i decided to mix my workout up a bit as dont want to get bored of dancing just yet) This and the fact that i'm acquiring a different level of food maturity convinces me that prefection is not too far away. Any day now and i'll be the next kate moss or as close to her as my body will let me.
All in all, a good tuesday! xx

a ray of hope?

For the first time in a very long time i reached for my trainers instead of a piece of toast with lots of peanut butter and honey when i felt my usual hormonal blue and i put tracy anderson on and danced out the sadness in my living room like a crazy chicken on crack, and i tell you, it felt good! both during and afterwards. Looking back now i'm so proud of myself but i must keep reminding me that it is the very first step.
Having said that, i struggled again today to find time to do the mat workout so i had to cut it in half. I did half of it whilst bj was sleeping and i did the other half whilst making supper! imagine that.
Since i became obssessed with weight loss i've got to say housework and lots of my duties have and are suffering. I've got 2 loads of laundry that need separating and ironing, the house is screaming for a hoover and the quality of my cooking has gone down the drain! so apart from my little minx who is always my number one piority and my weight loss which has become second(for now), everything else is being neglected even though i get help from my hubby!!!! which makes me wonder how single mums or mums with more than one child lose weight! Surely its almost impossible as i'm just about making it here.
Anyhoo i'm learning how to be more organised and that invovles me being up at 7am(yuk!!!!)not looking forward to it but its got to be done! The fun ad exciting life of a first time mum!!!! 2 days done, 4 more to go!!

a new beginging ish

if i had a diet and exercise chart, there will be a huge red cross against the diet and a massive green tick against the exercise!!!!
i did all 8 combinations for the first time in my life and completed the whole mat workout as well but i ate all the cakes left over from yesterday!
I knew it was going to be a bad day as i woke up tired but at least i got the exercise bit done, just need to work on my diet. It really struck me today whilst watching morbidly obese(sunday tv is crap) just exactly why i want to do this and why losing isnt an option. Being very over weight or very under weight can consume you, its like a prison, it takes total control of you're life and everyone judges you just by how you look, there's a common stereotype the fat people are lazy people which of course is unfair but thats the reality of the world we live in. Its not just that but its waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror and liking what you see, going shopping and being able to find something really nice to wear without having to be directed to the extra large department and it doesnt even have to be that extreme, its just about feeling good about yourself at 8st, 9 st or even 18st. I've set many goals for myself and none of them is to be stick thin. I want to be able to run the 5k, i want to be abale to complete all of tracy andersons dvds and then her 90 day metamorphosis and i want to love eating healthy! as i know my body will thank me for that. I guess all i'm trying to say is i want to love my body completely. Dont get me wrung, i dont want to be obssessed with it but i want to make it the best it can be as it is a part of me.
All in all, for the first day i struggled. I struggled to find the time to do the cardio (especially since bj was in a foul mood today), i struggled to make myself do the cardio and i struggled to push my body through the mat workout but i got it done and i'm very proud, tomorrow i'll work harder on my diet and even push harder with the exercise. one day done, 5 more to go(for inspiration i've broken my month down into weeks) wish me luck!!! xx

the calm before the storm

Today was a lovely end or shall i say a new begining to my weight loss goal.
Had a lovely bbq with a lot of the peolple that are important to me and gorged on all the foods that are special to me in preparation for the new begining of the end. Like the weight watchers advert says 'lose weight for the last time'.
In the last few weeks i've been inspired to take a new, very different approach to weight loss and i'm buzzing with excitment about it.
So taking a que from shannon, a fellow blogger who is doing the 90 days metamorphosis and my fitness god mother herself, Tracy anderson, I'm going to work my way to perfection. For the next 4 weeks, i'm going to do the tracy anderson cardio in conjuction with her mat workout and then go a step further and do her perfect design i, ii, iii with her dance cardio two and work my way up to her 90 days program!!!! Like everyone else, i love a challenge and being able to do this would be a huge achivement for me. I intend to blog my progress everyday but also include just how i'm managing to get on with the diet having just had a baby 3 months ago and trying to run a business. So many other people have done it and i'm deteremined to do it too!!! here's to weight loss and self confidence. xxx

standing still

There is nothing as bad as standing still in life, well except moving backwards which is even worse! At the moment, my weight loss seems to have come to a standstill. I've got 3lbs to lose to get into the 12st zone but it's not happening.
I've got a few guesses as to why this is. I eat less but later at night, i'm constantly exhasuted and drink lots of diet soda!!!! plus i'm on my period!
So i've come up with an idea to shock my body and push me closer to my ideal weight!!!! Starting from sunday, i will blog about my exercise, my diet and my thoughts everyday, this way i can look back and find were i've gone wrung. I've also decided to be more aggressive with my cardio! and who best to help with that but the amazing fitness god mother herself ms tracy anderson. I've learnt all the routines for her dance cardio and strating from tomorrow, i'll do it every other day, i'll mix it up with a bit of running as i need to start training to run the race for life 5k in july and i will invest alot of time in tracy's mat workout!
At the moment my life is manic especially with my little prince but i intend to wake up earlier than usual and use that time to focus on my body and try to get it looking the best it can be for a 22 year old whos just had a baby and hasnt done any surgery!!!! like i said in my last post! the battle has only just begun!
bring on sunday!!!

a positive update

Its been almost a month since i last blogged. This doesnt mean i've fallen off the wagon but i've struglled to find time to fit everything in. Since i last blogged i've lost almost 6lbs more, i'm a stone away from my pre-pregnancy weight but i must say, it hasnt been easy!! i have exercised everyday and even though my diet hasnt been perfect it's been pretty close to it. And also, i've become a fan of the METHOD. Tracy anderson is saving my life!!! she has kept me from getting bored of workouts, her method challenges me everyday and every victory empowers me to be the best i can be at that point in time!!!! her method has become an unhealthy obssession for me.
As I'm fighting this uphill battle, i'm beggining to look at it as a way of life. I cant lose, quitting is not an option, i refuse to accept defeat. So every time theres a hiccup in the system, maybe i put on a lbs or 2, i just shrug it off and carry on. I have to. I've had great support from my husband and to him i'm grateful. I've also tried hard to keep busy with various projects as everyone knows beeing home with a 3 month old and such lovely weather can only lead to lots of daytime tv, warm brownies, chocolate icecream and lots of ice cold pimms out in the garden.
I've only lost a stone and a half and of course i shouldnt get comfortable! the battle has only just begun!!!!! mwhahahahahahahahahaha

struggling with all the concepts of weight loss

How hard can it be losing your baby weight? sarah jessica parker did it, courtney cox did it, even kendra did it. I mean take away the celebrity and the money and the super amazing trainers and diets, they are still just flesh and blood women, which means they either had a ceaseran or natural birth (sjp had a surrogate for her 2nd babies not her first)and so their bodies needed time to heal and after that, they needed the will power to want to lose the weight, to want to be pushed and starved so in weeks they could look fabulous. I really admire that.
I'm almost 9 weeks on in this journey but everyday is a struggle not just with finding the time and the will power to do cardio and then a bit of toning but dealing with the mental issues as well- the mood swings, hunger pangs and the weepies, theres also the decisions i have to make in my life for my future and the most important, trying to be the best person and mum i can be to little bj. Your weight and health affects every single part of you life, if your happy with who you are, it spreads across every aspect of your life, someone once said that there's nothing as infectious as a smile and i believe that, I mean dont get me wrung i've got a great life, i've got an amazing husband who just happens to be the love of my life, a son i absolutely adore and a replacement family again a gift my husband brought into our relationship and all good choices in life but this weight thing just somehow makes it all look grey instead of green and blue!!! i suppose everyone's got to have some sort of baggage!! i thought my family was it but now my fight with the scales seems more of a battle. I guess its up to me to not let this demon turn the sweet things in my life sour.

the day before

so its been over six weeks since i became a mum!!! yay!!! i love being a mother and i absolutely adore my little one, what i really hate is the 3 stone i put on during my pregnancy(the heaviest i've ever been!). I was so fit before i got pregnant and was so sure i could lose the weight after the little man came...boy was i wrung.
I attacked the gym before my six week check up because i just felt lousy- a cocktail of unsteady hormones, stiches, sagging tummy skin and a complete life change just pushed me to the edge and the gym was the only place i felt i could control things! wrung again!!! i quickly realised i had no tummy muscles, my legs were like jelly, my groin hurt like hell and my tree trunk thighs just wouldnt do what i told them to!
however i did not accept defeat and i just plodded on. a half hour of very high intesity training later, i collapsed on the floor in tears. it was a mixed feeling of exhaustion, fustration and endorphins....weird, i konw. It felt good and bad and horrible. i knew at that point i had to lose weight, i just didnt have a choice but i also realised it would not be as easy as it was first time around and this time i needed help!!!
i carried on with a mixture of aerobics, gyming, ridiculous diet after ridiculous diet which were so hard to follow, so i fell off the wagon but carried on as i was motivated with my own self loathing! for the first time in my life i avoided mirrors and also for the first time in my life i had saggy hanging skin!!!!! i'm only 22!!!

Anyhoo 2 weeks later and i still havent lost a signle pound, i havent added any on though(i might as well be a glass half full gal!!) and i want to start this journey and i want to start it right.
for the next few months i'm going to be blogging my feelings(yes another sappy emotional blog), how my 1200kcal and exercise plan is going and my amazing journey through motherhood.
i'm really excited about this diet as i feel i can do it, the exercise bit has always come a bit easier especially when i'm low and at the moment i dont feel like i can be any lower- a point to new couples- babies, no matter how amazing they are will put a strain on your relationship no matter how solid it is!!!
as i type this blog, me and hubby have fallen out yet again about little man's feeding routine!!! its trivial i know but these are really unstable times.
Anyhoo i've have my last piece of peanut butter and honey toast!!! it is amazing!!! and i'm on to my diet tomorrow!!!! another beginning in this new mummy's life!! hehehe xxx