The higher the mountain

There are those days in life when you feel on top of the world, like you just climbed the highest mountain and you can see everyone from the top......you feel like a super hero with soooo many powers, the most important one, the power to fly!.... Today is no such day for me. Today i feel like an ant, buried deep down at the root of the mountain. So deep down, it'll take many years and many firemen to rescue me.....and my ability to fly......if only. The worst thing of all is, this was/is my decision. I have within me, the power to make myself happy in this situation, I have the power to take control, i have the power to make a choice and yet again, i chose wrung. I let myself down, i took more away from me. I was reading a book today and a statement the author made stuck to my subconscious and its been eating away at me all day. She said- 'physical cravings ruin figures, people, relationships and lives'. I read that and my first thought was, well thats a little over dramatic.....but as i kept repeating it to myself i realised it's not dramatic at all, it is actually so true. Everytime i make a bad food decision, everytime i succumb to a physical food craving that i know i shouldnt, a very small part of me dies and in the last month i feel like i have lost a huge part of who i used to be.... of who i hope to be. Everytime i chose wrong, i'm taking a dream away from me. Hence the ant underneath the mountain metaphor, i've never felt so small but actually look so big! I make no excuses about my decisions today, except that this really is rock bottom for me, the only way from here is up. So i will start climbing again, i will keep going even if it kills me, and i will reach the top......... Physical cravings ruin lives........

Day 21 part two

just the motivation i needed today. want to hear from those who have LOST the weight and have already achieved the goals you never thought possible! Tell those that are in the middle of or just starting their journey.... Is there any unhealthy food/drink that replaces the feeling of fitting in those favorite pair of skinny jeans? Or seeing ab definition? Or your cellulite disappearing? For me, the answer is NO. NO yummy junk food or delicious drink can replace the confidence I feel now (compared to how I used to feel). I want this post to act as encouragement for those struggling to achieve their goals. ♥ If you are eating clean (not dieting) and you are eating enough throughout the day, it's not a matter of IF you achieve your goals...it's WHEN. Stay consistent. It took me 3-4 months of clean eating to see a BIG difference. That's when other people started noticing too. How long do you have to eat clean? As long as you want to look AWESOME! Diets are stupid. It's a LIFESTYLE. Today was a day of self rediscovery. I realized i'm a very anxious person. I was trying to get some uni work done and hubby was helping me out but it all felt so overwhelming, i began to fidget and was about to reach for an apple when i said to myself, what are you doing? Food WAS my crutch Was as it will never be again. Today i battled with that realization and it hit me just how hard this transformation is going to be but i know for a fact that it'll be worth it. On a totally different but connected topic, huuby's birthday is this saturday, again i'm anxious. I want to join in the festivities but this challenge is so important to me. I want to be the girl that doesnt panic when i wake up in the morning or when i leave my house because i'm worried i'll be tempted by food. I want to be the girl who's indifferent to food, who doesnt crave sugar, who is happy with and in herself. Anyway, day 1 done!!! 1 for sarah 0 for fatty fat fat!

Day 21

Here I am starting yet again. The last time i weighed myself (last night prebinge, i weighed in at 152.8lbs) My goal still remains 130lbs, but more importantly i want to get there the right way. Building the right habits and having the right attitude to food. It is common knowledge that it takes 21 days to form a habit and 3 days to break it, well, I've decided to take on the 21 day challenge starting today. I will be eating clean 61/2 days a week and having something alternative at the meal off if i so choose. David's birthday celebrations are this sat eve but i'm determined to kickstart this program before i wake up one day and find i cant walk, or worse i cant sleep without those breathing things morbidly obese people need to sleep. So let this journey begin again. Will be weighing myself EVERY saturday morning without fail and i have a feeling that this time, I will see it through!! and i'll be on the other side, the happy side, happy and finally free from my demons!!! I'm excited at the prospect!!! and all the potential!!!

Baby steps

To an extent, i think we are all creatures of habit. A part of us craves routines and finds comfort in the habits we create, good or bad. Yesterday was the 2nd day of my 'clean and healthy' program and i felt confident enough to make the yummiest (clean) home made granola ever! that threw my diet off a bit to some degree yesterday and again today. Strictly speaking i'm still eating clean but i have messed up the routine i started for myself which subconsciously created a little space in my head for old habits to rare their ugly heads. I found myself out of habit thinking about cookies and cakes and just caught myself before i purchased one! so its safe to say today was a struggle!It didnt help either that bj was sooo porrly and just wanted to sit and cuddle! made me think of comfort foods!!! Tomorrow i will be sticking to my healthy routine like my life depended on it(it kind of those) and hopefully tomorrow will be better...and the day after that and the day after that, until it becomes a part of me! fingerscrossed.

my Broken wings

Having spent the last 3 months trialing and erroring (if there ever was a word), I have come to a stand still. It almost seems like i'm starting over (no i havent put all the weight back on......well a little but i havent weighed myself....i'm still a size 10/12). I have tried sooooo many different diets, read so many books, tried to have 'good days' or perfect or clean foods days and have tried to work out for hours on end....how did i get on you ask? i've binged! i've binged like food was my crack! sugary foods mostly and i've picked up most of the bad habits i thought i had left behind for good!!! I think my only saving grace has been that i move alot. I love exercise, eat clean sometimes and lift weights but my binges are sooooo bad, they are disgraceful and this worries me as i've worked too freaking hard for all of it to go up in flames. I do want to reach my weight loss goal! i do want to say to myself 'girlfriend, you're skinny' ;-)I do want to be my dream weight (130lbs and a size 8) for conor's 2nd birthday. So here i am ..... again. afraid, confused, terrified, unsure ad ashamed! I'm sarah and i'm an overeater! there! i said it! but thats the last time i'm saying it and this is a promise to myself. I had my last sugared brownie today, I made my last excuse today and i've hit rock bottom for the last time today!!! I'm an overeater no more,my old bad food habits are in the past and i have a plan i'll stick to until i reach my goal and even beyond. My first step will be to weigh myself tomorrow. These are bad times for me diet and weight wise but i feel like i've grown and i'm stronger since i started this journey almost two years back. I just cant give up now, so i start again, broken wings and all but with a fire and determination in my heart that i believe will see me through!

Ending the first half

Its been over a year since i decided to start this weight loss journey 'for the last time'. Roughly 52lbs later i can look back and feel proud of myself. I feel like i'm in a better place mentally with my body than i ever was and because of that, my goal has moved very slowly from reducing the numbers on the scales and just being 'skinny' no matter what, to wanting to be the healthiest and fittest me, i can possibly be. I do still have 16lbs to lose and it'll be great to get rid of those last unwanted lbs but i feel like i ought to kick this habit properly and in the right way. With that in mind, i'm starting a 14 day health kickstart. I'll be swapping my wholemeal granary bread and peanut butter breakfast to a super healthy nutritious smoothie, my lunch will consist of whole yummy fresh veggie soups with a bit of unprocessed carbs and supper will be mainly vegetables with a bit of protein. I would love to have vegetables and fruits play a huge role in my 'food' life and want processed foods like flour etc to only be occasional visitors. A year ago, i would never have been able to do this or believe that it'll actually work but i've made so many positive changes in the last 12 months that i'm positive this can work. And i just need to keep thinking.....dont really concentrate on what you're giving up, look instead of all the gifts you'll be giving your body instead! My first day....here it goes....

making the connection

There is a weird yet obvious parallel between trying to live a healthy lifestyle and life itself. In both instances quitting is not or should ever be an option. No matter what. But sometimes in both we always come sooooo close. Like when you're on holiday,its an all inclusive resort and every meal is a buffet with such amazing smelling bad but all so good display of foods.....i'm on holiday, life's too short, a week long binge wont hurt....or all your loved ones turn on you, you have no one to trust and you've been told your illness may be terminal.....the baths soooo warm, maybe if i take a few of those sleeping pills and close my eyes, the eternal darkness will be better, safer, more comforting. Or your a housewife, who woke up after 5 years of being 'just' a mum and wife, you love your family with all your heart but one day this perfectly gorgeous stranger notices you, in his eyes there's the promise of adventure and temporary fun, just what you have been looking for to brighten up your somewhat dull existence......why not? no one will ever know,it will make me so happy which will in turn make me a better more rounded person for my family or the best one- your down in the dumps, you've lost someone or something so precious and there in front of you is an amazing chocolate cake that can feed 30......i'm having such a bad time, eating all of that will make me happy, will comfort me and help numb the pain.
Faced with these situations, its so hard to think clearly. You're consumed with selfish emotions and your greed or self fulfillment. Weakness or whatever you wish to call it fights like crazy to take over, this is the time when its most important to step back and think: If you do cave in, the guilt, the regret, the consequences....are in comprehensible and they affect not only you but all the people in your life. It is vital to always remember that you almost always have a choice, you can walk past the muffins and ice-cream and instead reach for the greek yoghurt and honey, you can say to that stranger, it all sounds so exciting and tempting but i'm happily married(and mean it) and you can always push that cake aside,go on your knees and search within for inner strength. In all those situations you can choose 'life'. A positive life. One that will in the long run make you feel happy and fulfilled.

a crutch......a pleasant surprise

Getting My Foundation
Posted on 09/24/2011 by LeelaLosing


Hi, I'm a yo-yo dieter, mostly reformed binger-purger, forever foodie, and erratic exerciser. Yes, I have food issues. In the past two years I've lost 60 lbs on my own just eating healthy (reasonable portions, no restrictions) and exercising. Lately I've teetered between maintaining the loss and gaining/losing the same 7-10 lbs. Since I'm an emotional eater (or under-eater depending), the breaks in-between losing chunks of weight have helped my head catch up to my body and feel comfortable adjusting to the changes.

As a former vegan, then vegetarian, then pescatarian and now full-range eater again (although I usually turn my nose up at most chicken and fatty beef). I've gone through almost every food, diet and cleanse craze there is. Atkins, done it. Zone, done it. Scarsdale, done it. Nutrisystem, done it. 8-day fast, done it. Raw, done it. Soy-Sugar-Wheat-Dairy-Free, done it. Nutritionists, two or three. As someone who is fairly skeptical of marketing and advertising, and even most fashion trends, I have spent a lot of time letting other people decide what I should eat. The promises of quick fixes and food plans now make me run the other way. It's my way now and I'll figure it out, thank you.

The only instant gratification I believe in now is a massage, my bed and maybe dark chocolate.....there is no let-down, no rebound, no strings attached and for things that feel so good it's shocking that they are healthy. The fact that they claim to aid weight loss is honestly just icing on the cake.

In the elusive and convoluted meanderings of figuring out why I can't just follow a food plan and be done with it, I've discovered that like any substance or activity that can be used to excess and to numb or avoid your feelings, food is my drug of choice. Despite my enthusiastic search I've yet to discover a successful quick fix or instant cure. What I have learned is that it's very much an internal, inside job and often my biggest successes have no relationship to food or recipes or willpower.

I'm finding that it takes discipline, a realistic foundation and support to move forward. The healthy things that work in mind and body must be done over and over again until they take roots or as a routine. A workable plan must be figured out, from little things like a shopping list and finding time to work out and prepare meals, and for me I found if I try to do too much at once it ends in frustration, disappointment and another failed attempt. Support along the way helps enormously. A shared experience with others who have the same issues or are trying to achieve the same thing is monumental and makes some hard days end with a smile instead. Both the friends I've made at myfitnesspal.com and a twice-a-week workshop support group have been invaluable and kept me going.

And despite all the work I put into it, it's surprisingly and remarkably easy to let it all go. A few weeks ago I had a car stolen from my building along with my Blackberry and all of my information, plus a bunch of big-ticket items I had bought in the last weeks. You see, I tried to be very organized so I had all my appointments, log-in user names and passwords for everything, and contacts stored so I'd have it all in one easy place. The theft affected me more than I cared to admit, and I was really thrown off my game. Add to that all the phone calls and paperwork and time that is involved with reporting and figuring things out, replacing things and cancelling, changing and updating accounts and re-constructing my calendar in the midst of missing appointments left and right, and repopulated my phone, addresses and emails. It's still not over yet, and yes, I will make sure I have an efficient back-up plan after this.

I knew when it happened that I was rattled, scared and feeling violated. I also knew that I was scattered and more than a step behind due to the missing information on my Blackberry. What I didn't realize was how easy and unconsciously these feelings led me to stop taking care of myself and fall into my knee-jerk comfort of food. And soon the ever-ready excuses to myself started and the promises to stop it the next day. Feelings of depression and emotional/functional paralysis set in, and I was officially in deep water.

I completely stopped drinking almost all water, except in the smallest quantities. Coffee and wine consumption were up and breakfasts became sugar and pastry feasts. The difference this time was that I had already experienced life on the other side and enjoyed it. It wasn't just feeling better, but it was the realization that I set a standard in my mind about the importance of taking care of myself physically and emotionally and I knew it didn't look like this. I began to feel miserable with not just my body and energy level and all the other changes in my body that I felt, but almost more so I was tired of feeling stuck emotionally and keeping myself hostage with food. I eventually began to miss my huge glasses of water and the joy that the tastes of fresh fruit brought. I longed for a plate of greens like I sometimes do for an old boyfriend, hmmm, that was a really good time in my life I wish I could go back....and I knew my friend spinach was still around and wanting me too.